Innovating Leadership:
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Hosted by Maureen Metcalf
Conversations with global thought leaders on leadership, culture, and innovation—designed for executives navigating complexity and building resilient organizations.
Reciprocity: Why Giving Creates Better Teams
Episode Description
Reciprocity is presented as a foundational leadership dynamic in which giving initiates trust, strengthens relationships, and drives voluntary collaboration across teams. Drawing on behavioral science, the discussion distinguishes genuine giving from transactional rewards, emphasizing that authentic, unconditional contribution creates a natural sense of mutual commitment. Leadership effectiveness is tied to using reciprocity ethically to build sustainable engagement rather than short-term compliance.
Key Takeaways
- Reciprocity strengthens teams when giving is authentic and not contingent on immediate return.
- Transactional rewards generate compliance, while genuine contribution builds commitment and trust.
- Leaders shape team dynamics by modeling generosity as a norm rather than an exception.
- Ethical use of influence principles determines whether reciprocity enhances or erodes relationships.
- Sustainable performance emerges from mutual obligation grounded in trust, not incentives alone.
Why This Episode Matters
It reframes team performance as a function of trust-based reciprocity, highlighting how leadership behavior directly shapes collaboration, influence, and long-term engagement.
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Episode Content:
Relationships: The Competitive Advantage Most Leaders Undervalue
Relationships aren’t separate from results. They’re what drive results.
Are results more important than relationships?
That’s a trick question. The best results stem from a leader’s relationships, so both are equally important.
That’s what we learned from influence expert Brian Ahearn in this week’s podcast. He admits the logic for the importance of “results-only” appears straightforward. Leaders are hired to execute strategy, improve performance, manage risk, and deliver outcomes. Building relationships, while pleasant, is often viewed as something separate from the “real work” of leadership.
Yet the leaders who consistently achieve extraordinary results tend to understand that relationships are not separate from results; they create results.
Organizations that recognize this reality gain an advantage. Those who don’t make leadership far more difficult than it needs to be.
Human Connection: Your Competitive Advantage
When executives discuss competitive advantage, they focus on strategy, technology, innovation, market position, or operational excellence.
Relationships? If they come up at all, it’s as boardroom gossip.
That’s a pity, because strong relationships generate the very outcomes every organization wants:
- Higher employee engagement
- Stronger retention
- Better collaboration
- Greater resilience during change
- Increased innovation, and
- More discretionary effort (and the higher productivity that brings).
The path to these outcomes is simple: Human connections create trust. Trust creates psychological safety. Psychological safety encourages contribution. Contribution drives performance.
Company culture validates the concept. While we think of culture as tradition or part of the workplace vibe, it’s not so nebulous. Each employee experiences it through relationships with other humans: teammates, leaders, and sometimes customers who reflect it back.
Every conversation, every human interaction, either reinforces culture or diminishes it. In the same way, each interaction strengthens trust or weakens it.
To Be Liked, or Not to Be Liked
This by no means implies a popularity contest. The goal isn’t to be liked, per se. After all, leaders must have difficult conversations. Nor should they compromise standards simply to maintain harmony.
That’s why Brian emphasizes trust over likeability. People are more willing to follow leaders they trust. They’re more willing to support leaders who demonstrate genuine concern for their success. More willing to collaborate with leaders who treat them with respect. On the surface, that looks like “like,” but the feeling of trust runs far deeper and is far more durable.
The most effective leaders recognize that such relationships increase their ability to lead. Strong relationships make difficult conversations easier. They make change initiatives more successful. They make collaboration more natural. They increase commitment during challenging times.
In short, leadership is not weakened by relationships. It’s strengthened by them.
Little Things Mean a Lot
It doesn’t take a lot to create a more human leadership style. Even if you’ve traditionally been a distant, emotionless leader, a wholesale, instantaneous reinvention isn’t required. You can start small because small acts matter.
Remembering a personal milestone matters. Offering sincere recognition matters. Helping remove obstacles matters. Following through on commitments matters.
Over time, these seemingly minor actions add up to something enormously valuable: credibility. And credibility amplifies trust and influence.
One reason these relationship steps are so powerful is that human beings are naturally responsive to generosity. When someone genuinely helps us, we tend to remember it. When someone invests in our success, we notice. When someone consistently demonstrates care and support, we become more willing to reciprocate.
Keep it authentic, though; employees are remarkably good at distinguishing between leaders who care because it benefits the organization and leaders who care because of genuine concern for their teams.
The Leadership Question That Matters
As work becomes increasingly complex and interconnected, leaders face an important question:
Can we afford to treat relationships as secondary?
The evidence suggests not.
Organizations need engaged employees. Employees need trust to engage.
The leaders who understand this connection will build stronger cultures, attract better talent, and create organizations capable of thriving through uncertainty.
While the leaders who dismiss relationships as soft skills may still achieve compliance, remember that compliance is not commitment. And commitment is what ultimately drives extraordinary performance.
Relationship building can be one of your most powerful tools. A tool that brings better results–and a better feeling for how you lead at the end of each day.
Other studies have busted another related myth: that friendships have no place at work. To the contrary, they indicate that having a “best friend” in the workplace provides a major edge in morale and performance.
Do you maintain leader or friend relationships at work? Have they helped or hindered you?
Thank you for reading our newsletter, where we bring you thought leaders and innovative ideas on leadership topics each week.
We strive to elevate the quality of leadership worldwide. Are you ready? If you are looking for help developing your leaders, explore our services.
Resources:
The website for Brian’s company, Influence People, is https://influencepeople.biz/ . He has a regular blog there at https://influencepeople.biz/blog/ .
Our host Maureen Metcalf posts a newsletter every week on LinkedIn. You can subscribe here .
Maureen’s latest book is Innovative Leadership & Followership in the Age of AI . You’ll find details about it at https://bit.ly/LeaderInAI , or check out the Kindle version at https://amzn.to/44buVz8 . The audiobook version is now available at https://amzn.to/4dTCleZ .
Her other 10 books are available on Amazon here .
Other Episodes You’ll Enjoy:
- How Great Leaders Influence (without Manipulating) with Brian Ahearn
- How Influence Leads to Great Leadership with Brian Ahearn
- How AI Preserves Humanity at Ancestry with Howard Hochhauser
Guest(s):
Guest(s) Bio:
Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at The Cialdini Institute. An international keynote speaker and TEDx presenter, Brian is an expert in the science of influence, certified in the Cialdini Method for Persuasion and Pre-suasion. Brian is the author of “Influence PEOPLE” and “Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents .” His insights have reached over 700,000 people through his LinkedIn courses and more than a million views on his TEDx Talk . Brian’s latest work, “The Influencer: Secrets to Success & Happiness,” weaves these teachings into an engaging business parable.
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Transcript
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Maureen: [00:00:00] My name is Maureen Metcalf, your host, and we’re joined by Brian Ahearn as a return guest, so welcome back, Brian.
Brian: Thanks, Maureen.
Maureen: Today’s focus will be on liking and reciprocity as a key element of the art of persuasion.
He is one of only 20 individuals in the world who currently hold the Cialdini Method Certified Trainer designation. This specialization in the psychology of persuasion was earned directly from Dr. Robert B. Cialdini, the recognized authority in the science of ethical persuasion.
Brian: I’ve always really appreciated the approach of Dr. Cialdini and his team, that what we’re doing is not manipulating people. It’s talking in a language that, that makes it easier for people to understand what it is that we’re trying to convey and easier for them to say yes, and when that happens, everybody wins.
Maureen: Why are relationships so important in today’s business environment?
Brian: Well, one of the things that I like to share with people is a quote from Jack Welch. So I think all of your listeners probably remember Jack Welch, who was the CEO of GE for many years [00:01:00] and brought them (mm-hmm) to great financial heights. Jack Welch said, “Nearly everything I’ve accomplished in life has been with other people.” So it didn’t matter how good his business acumen was, how good his strategy, if he couldn’t get people on board to execute those, he wasn’t gonna be a success. So I think that quote shows that we all need people.
Mm-hmm. But then there’s a challenge. Dale Carnegie, when he wrote “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” said that the biggest challenge that you’ll face is dealing with people, and then he went on to say especially if you’re in business. So that’s you and I. Mm-hmm. That’s all the people who are listening.
We need people, yet they can be our biggest challenge. Now, you couple that with people are having more and more choices to where they can go and where they wanna work, and if leaders aren’t engaging people in a way that makes them enjoy who they work for and what they do, people will make the choice to simply move on.
Unlike maybe many, many years ago or decades ago, fear is not the way that you try to motivate people. People may do what you want if there’s fear, but once that fear is removed, [00:02:00] people will go back (mm-hmmm) to the behaviors that they had. In fact, they may go back to worse behaviors once that fear is removed just out of spite.
So I think it’s important that leaders have strong relationships because we need people, they’re a big challenge, and there’s this freedom of movement. We have to (mm-hmmm) have teams that are engaged, that enjoy what they do and who they work for.
Maureen: Yeah, I was with a group last night of engineers, so the leadership team of a company with about 700 engineers across multiple states, and one of the themes was the tightening of the labor market.
It’s just hard to find people.
Maureen Phone: Mm-hmm.
Maureen: They’re a good company, and they’re struggling because everyone in their space is also growing and trying to attract people. So how we treat our folks really does become a differentiator. And it was interesting to listen to the CEO talk about one of his top values being compassion, which again seems to go to how we treat our people.
Brian: Absolutely.
Maureen: So when you were on the show last time, you mentioned two principles of influence that are [00:03:00] particularly effective in building relationships.
Can you remind us of what those were before we go into the next?
Brian: Sure. The first principle that we talk about is called the principle of liking, and this principle just tells us simply this: It’s easier for us to say yes to those that we know and like. And so if a leader has good relationships with the people who report to them, it’s easier for them to say yes to the things that are being asked.
The other principle that we talk about in building relationships is reciprocity. So reciprocity alerts us to the reality that we feel an obligation to give back to people when they’ve given to us. But this principle isn’t so much when you talk about building a relationship about giving to get something.
The reality is, if I do something that genuinely benefits you, that really helps you, you probably feel good about me, and that makes it easier for you in the future if I need your help to say yes. Mm-hmm. In addition, I get the benefit of you’ll probably do something for me if I need help because I’ve done something to help you.
But a big part of what leaders are doing is trying to [00:04:00] clear obstacles for their team, and so when they do that, those folks who report to them appreciate it and you get this positive cycle, and that’s why these two principles are effective in building or maintaining relationships.
Maureen: So Brian, can you give us some additional examples?
Brian: Yeah. I’ve got one example that happened this week that just brought a smile to my face. Last week I went out to St. Louis and I spoke at an agency producer conference. There were 50 or 60 insurance agents at this conference, and my goal in going out there and interacting with the individual, his name’s Henry, is to hopefully have a number of those agents go through the two-day workshop that I do. Mm-hmm. It’s called the Principles of Persuasion, and it’s geared very specifically towards insurance agents and selling.
So I went out and I did a two-hour overview of influence, and it went really, really well. And, and Henry and I met for the first time out there, and then we had some email exchange about, you know, the future. Well, what was interesting is I got a tweet from somebody who’s in the leadership field that I’ve really enjoyed watching YouTube videos , [00:05:00] and read a number of his books.
His name’s Simon Sinek and I saw that he was going to be in Clayton, Missouri. Well, that’s where Henry lives. That’s where I was to speak. And so I thought, “Well, on the off chance that he might wanna go to this, I’m gonna send it over to him.” So I sent him a, a very brief email that said, “Henry, uh, I saw this and thought of you because Simon Sinek’s gonna be in Clayton. , I love his YouTube work, and I love his books- Mm … and maybe you’d be interested.” I had no idea, but Henry came back and said, “I’ve watched his YouTube videos. I really like him. Thank you so much for letting me know.” And then he alerted me a little later that he got in. There was only a couple spots left, and he got in (mm-hmmm) with, with somebody, and so he was really happy, and I said, “Just let me know how the talk went.” So the next day he sends me an email and talked about how great it was, that he got some takeaways. They’re gonna go into a planning session for the agency, and he’s got lots of good ideas, and thank you so much.
So I’ve engaged the reciprocity there, right? I, I did something for him, and now he’s very, very happy. But the thing that caught my attention and brought the smile [00:06:00] to my face was when I emailed him back one more time, he emailed and his reply said, “Thank you, friend.”
I had just met him a week ago. I mean, we talked on the phone once or twice (Mm-hmmm), but if he’s gonna use the language of friend, this is gonna be a much, much better working relationship. I think he understands clearly, too, this isn’t just about Brian pushing an agenda, get this workshop, or State Auto just to do this workshop. He knows that I genuinely want to help him and his agency succeed.
Yes, they represent my company, and that’s beneficial for my company, too, but these little acts of extending myself and saying (Mm-hmmm) “I was thinking of you. You might enjoy this,” those are the kind of things that really alert people to say, “Wow, this is different. This person really does care about me,” and it starts to change everything.
And I look forward to a great relationship with Henry and the agents that ultimately report up to his association, I think for years to come.
Maureen: It’s a great story and it leads into the next question: A lot of leaders believe that it’s not their job to be liked. So why would I [00:07:00] invest the time and energy being kind, doing these small acts?
It’s my job to get results. So help me understand (mm-hmm) why this is so important.
Brian: Based on the things that I read, the principle of liking clearly shows that more people will do what you want if you like them. And so when you step back and say, “Okay, as a leader, I want people to do what I need them to do (Mm-hmmm) so it’s probably worthwhile for me to invest in them, because ultimately, that investment of time and energy, and getting to know them comes back, not only to make them like me more, and make me like them more, but ultimately, to get a better business result.” That’s why our companies have hired us.
They’ve hired us because they view every one of us as an investment that can leverage and multiply the time and energy that they put into us. And so a leader needs to step back and say, “How can I be most effective in helping this organization move forward and accomplish the goals?” And it would be foolish to say, “Even though decades of research show that when people like you, they’re more willing to do what you want, I’m gonna dismiss that [00:08:00] because I’m the boss, and I should be able to just tell people what to do.” So I think at the, in the end of the day, the smart leader just says, “I will get (It matters.) a lot more accomplished if I’m willing to do this.”
And a very good example that comes to mind for me is somebody that I’ve worked with and coached for about the last five years, and Bob, about two or three years ago, said, “You know, I’ve always had this clear dividing line between my work life and my personal life,” and he didn’t really let the two blend together.
And he said, “I’m rethinking that.” And so (mmm) he asked for my help as his coach. And he said, “You know, through the year, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna travel with all of my reps, and I’d like you to contact them and just ask them questions about how I’m doing.” And so I came up with a list of questions that I would ask everybody, and then I’d gather it up, and anonymously, I would share the feedback with Bob every month when we had our coaching calls. And he was working hard to not only get to know them more, but allow them to get to know him. It was a little awkward at first. Some people said, “Well, you know, we really appreciate that he’s trying. Feels a little strained,” but every month, it seemed to get [00:09:00] easier. By the end of the year the most telltale sign was the lady who’s the administrative assistant for his regional office said, “Wow, it’s like working with a whole different guy.” I mean, he really had made this very, very big change, and his team was responding so much better to him, and he was enjoying the job more.
So he’s like a perfect case example. More than 25 years, has that clear dividing line, rethinks it, actively does something to make it happen (Mm-hmm) and begins to see the results.
Maureen: You know, it makes me think of conversations I had, some of them earlier in my career, where we learned that you have friends at home and you have colleagues at work and you don’t talk about your personal life.
And yet the Gallup research says if you don’t have a best friend at work, you’re unlikely to be engaged. I think it’s like 8% probability of being engaged. Yeah. So you talk about someone calling you friend.
From a organizational bottom line productivity perspective, this stuff matters.
Brian: Absolutely. Absolutely.
Maureen: [00:10:00] So what do you want leaders to take away as we’re wrapping up the interview?
Brian: I would just ask, uh, listeners this question. Do you want to enjoy your career more? Yeah. Do you wanna enjoy your coworkers, your customers, all the relationships that you have when you’re giving, 40, 50 hours or more of your time at work?
Do you want to enjoy that more? And if you’re saying, “Yeah, I would,” and I find it hard to believe somebody wouldn’t want to enjoy it more, then that really resides with you, the choices that you make. Will you be somebody who will look to give and invest in others? Because you’ll get a lot more accomplished, but you’ll build relationships. Will you make the time and take the effort to engage people on the things that you have in common, that you’ll look for the good in people, that you’ll offer up praise when praise is deserved? If you’re willing to do those things, you will enjoy your relationships much more.
And that doesn’t just apply at work. That’ll apply even at home. When you use these same principles at home, you’ll reap benefits there as [00:11:00] well. It’s funny that one time my wife, when she wasn’t feeling particularly good on a day, she said, ” You only love me because you make yourself think positive thoughts about me.”
And I said, “If love’s a choice, then is that not a good thing?” Everybody’s got faults, and everybody’s got good things. And too often people focus on the negative. They focus on the faults, and it puts them in this bad frame of mind. But there are certain things that really don’t matter and to say, “I’m not gonna allow myself to go down that path and think about that. I’m gonna choose to focus on the good things.” And so when I do that, I get excited to be around her. I love to be around her, and that changes the dynamic of everything, but I’m not some incredibly unique person. This is available for anybody. So whether it’s your personal relationships or your business relationships, make the choice to become somebody who gives, make the choice to become somebody who looks to connect on similarity and offer genuine praise, and you will have significantly better and more productive relationships.
Maureen: What a beautiful [00:12:00] thought, that I can make these choices. I, I actually did some research at one point about are we wired this way? And what I learned was even those of us who are more wired toward negativity or risk management or whatever you call it, that we’re able to rewire our brains, in essence-
Brian: Absolutely
Maureen: So it, it has to do with, you mentioned practice and neurobiology. Now we know that you build new neural pathways by practicing.
Brian: Create new habits, yep.
Maureen: Talking about a senior leader working over 25 years doing something one way and making the choice, especially because senior leaders don’t wanna feel awkward doing things. That he made the effort to work with you to get feedback and that you’re letting people know what he’s doing so he doesn’t just seem like he’s having a midlife crisis or taking up some weird habits now. Yeah. Yes. So how about if you give our listeners your contact information.
Brian: Okay. [00:13:00] Well, I’m all over social media, so I write a blog. Every Monday, 5:30 Eastern Time, a new blog post goes online, and it’s always related to influence, but it might be towards business or sales or social things, but it’s just to get people aware of how influence is being used in various parts of society. I’m on Facebook. I have a Facebook fan page. I’m on LinkedIn. I’m on Twitter. I think the easiest thing for readers would be if they just went in and, and Googled my name- Brian Ahearn, and put in “influence people.” I’m gonna pop up on the first page. I’ll probably be half of the links that they see. And if somebody reaches out to me, whether it’s on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter, I’d be happy to connect with them. However they feel comfortable. But just reach out and let me know that you heard the show, and I’d be happy to connect with you.
Maureen: Great, and I wanna share the spelling of Brian’s last name ’cause I got it wrong this week. It’s Brian A-H-E-A-R-N.
Brian: Yes.
Maureen: Thank you, and have a wonderful day.